Mystery Men
by Whispering Winds
Summary: The Marauders are Hogwarts’ resident celebrities. But contrary to most teenagers’ idols, this dastardly bunch of marauding menaces are a complete mystery to their fans. That is until the determined Lily Evans decides... Full summary inside.
1. Chapter 1

Mystery Men

Fanfic by Whispering Wind

The Marauders are Hogwarts' resident celebrities. But contrary to most teenagers' idols, this dastardly bunch of marauding menaces are a complete mystery to their fans. That is until the determined Lily Evans decides it's time every girl's fantasy "Prongs" should be hers. Now if only James Potter would leave her the sod alone!

* * *

Chapter I

* * *

Shadows flickered in and out of view as the bodies that cast them ran madly through the deserted halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It was well past curfew, and outside the sky was purest black without a star in sight, leaving the only light to illuminate the fleeing figures the periodically spaced candles that hung in clusters from the tall arches that lined the school's majestic hallways.

Skidding around a corner, the four figures came sliding to a halt. For at the end of the passage they'd just entered, spaced perfectly evenly between each wall, and placed neatly beneath a candelabra sat Mrs. Norris – Hogwarts' resident cat, and the caretaker Argus Filch's familiar – her gaze intent on the four mischief makers.

Turning on their heels, the four dashed back the way they came before stopping suddenly as though met by an invisible wall. There was in fact no wall halting their progress, magical or physical, but rather the hunched form of Filch, his sweaty palms with their bone like fingers clasped around an old Muggle oil lamp.

Thinking quickly on his feet, the first of the four rammed his shoulder into the seemingly solid wall beside him triggering a chute to open beneath his companions' feet sending them racing toward the laundry house below. Momentarily off balance from the force of impact, the bespectacled youth barely managed to dive into the quickly sealing cavity that recently appeared in the paved stone floor before one of Filch's claws managed to latch onto the back of his lapel.

The four boys tumbled out of the opening in a large explosion of flying garments. Eyes darting around to make a mental stock take of his compatriots, the leader grinned at the vision of his best friend with a particularly frilly pair of pink polka dotted knickers secured diagonally across his forehead, and nor could he resist the small quip that sprung to his lips as he turned to the rooms only exit.

"Pad, old mate, you could've told me all those rumours about only wanting to get into a girl's pants were more literal than they first appeared."

There wasn't time for a retort, Filch knew exactly where the small gang of trouble had escaped to, and would be hot on their trail.

* * *

Gasping for air, the four misguided (and proud of it!) youths staggered through the portrait door, and into their commons, collapsing on the first things they could find to support their weight.

"Bloody hell Pete, you've got to cut back on those chocolate frogs! Next time you might not be so lucky, and we less inclined to save your sorry little ass from Filch's cane!" an exasperated Sirius Black admonished.

It was said half in jest, but the look of hurt and betrayal that flashed in the portly boy's eyes was very real.

"Come off Sir' (A/N: Pronounced "Sear")," – _Pant –_ "If it hadn't been for Peter we'd have never managed to get into the Slytherin dorms to begin with. Makes sense they wouldn't notice another rat in their midst," interjected the satisfactorily grinning James Potter.

As morose as Peter Pettigrew looked before, he seemed to positively glow under the praise of his ringleader, emitting a boyish giggle; whether with pleasure at the positive attention, or at the joke wasn't evident.

"It's surprising the Slytherin's haven't cottoned on to how we're getting in by now. We've been using the same method for years: in slips Wormtail through the barest of cracks as the portrait of Paracelsus swings shut behind the last serpent through the door. Then all Peter has to do is bide his time, and open the door for us all to sneak in to do our dirty work," chimed in Remus Lupin who had managed to sprawl himself upside down across one of the richly embroidered armchair that decked out the cosy Gryffindor room.

"One things for sure though, it'd be nice to have a map so we could see where that bastard Filch is," mused the now steady breathed James.

* * *

James Potter's cheek splitting grin widened even further as he saw the laughter dancing in Lily Evan's captivatingly bright green eyes. Leaning back into his chair, _'life could not be better'_ he thought, as with eyes closed he mouthed the words, "Mischief managed."

On the other side of the Great Hall, the Slytherin's were – judging from the looks on their faces – in a much less jovial mood. (Not that a jovial Slytherin had ever been spotted in the thousand years the school's doors had been open.) Never the less, it was safe to say that Slytherin's didn't appreciate the colour pink. Especially when it was oozing out of miniature purple volcanos that had sprouted out of their skin in the form of a pus like substance.

The four culprits, who had been dubbed by Hogwarts' Headmaster – the excentric Albus Dumbledore – as "The Marauders", and had (quite liking the name) chosen to adopt it as an official title, were careful to join in with the wild speculation as to their own identities. Not wanting to let the proverbial cat out of the bag just yet.

* * *

A/N: I'm taking a break from writing my other story, which due to a severe lack of reviews; I've lost almost all inspiration to continue, to write this intendedly short LxJ fanfic. I'm aiming to wrap this whole thing up in 3-5 chapters. But with a lack of reviews, I am prone to give up on stories… so if you want to read more of this, ensure more of it is written with your review .

**Sneak peak at a future chapter:**

"But that's not possible! Prongs is smart, and brave, and charming… and cute," the last was said with such finality, that it could be observed to any that to Lily Evans, the very idea of it also applying to James "I'm God" Potter was preposterous.

"I hate to break it to you Lils, but so is James."


	2. Chapter 2

Mystery Men

Fanfic by Whispering Winds

The Marauders are Hogwarts' resident celebrities. But contrary to most teenagers' idols, this dastardly bunch of marauding menaces is a complete mystery to their fans. That is until the determined Lily Evans decides it's time every girl's fantasy "Prongs" should be hers. Now if only James Potter would leave her the sod alone!

* * *

Chapter II

* * *

It had been a seven days, and first week's major prank on the Slytherins had well and truly lasted into week two. It seemed that very much like real acne, the Marauders' purple volcano variety spread. It was already Thursday, and the small mountains showed no signs of clearing up.

To further add to the Marauders' delight (and the fifth year Gryffindors' amusement), the mini Volcanos had a habit of violently erupting in double Potions with Slytherin. Frequently causing jets of the disgusting bubbly pink puss to sore through the air, often landing in the afflicted's cauldron, and prompting a terribly violent reaction.

Even Snape, who habitually received an O on every potion submitted found himself with a T after one of his own disfigurations (the unnatural ones) exploded along with his cauldron. It was with that, that Severus Snape – or as the Marauders had affectionately dubbed him Snivilus – decided it was well past time to put an end to this particular bit of fun.

By the weekend Snape had concocted an antidote, and the boys' fun was temporarily ended. They would just have to try harder next time…

* * *

Lily Evans was furious! She was never late to class! Never! But here she found herself, clumsily hurrying down the flight of stairs that had recently shifted on her, hunched over, nearly buckling under the weight of her engorged book bag. This couldn't be allowed to continue. No more nights spent wistfully in bed, contemplating Prongs' true identity. It was time to take matters into her own hands. It was high time the Marauders were unmasked, and Prongs was sure to be suitably impressed by her cleverness once she stripped him of his.

-

James Potter was running late for Transfiguration… again. He however was far more relaxed in his manner of dealing with the occurrence than his fellow classmate, and object of affection Lily Evans was.

Hands in pockets and whistling a cheerful tune he'd heard an unsuspecting Hufflepuff humming as he snuck up on her with a nasty Jinx on the tip of his tongue, James affected a saunter as he slowly made his way towards his favourite class.

Despite his leisurely pace, the raven haired boy, found himself quickly gaining on a decisively animate for a typically inanimate book bag of massive proportions. It was not until he had broken level with the object that he discovered that it was not moving on its own at all, but merely dwarfing the creature that so struggled below it.

Was that a silky tendril of crimson hair the sun's light danced across in short golden streaks he spied? Only one person he knew of had that very distinct colour hair.

'_She seems to be really struggling with that bag… I know! I could help her; she'd have to be thankful then… her very own Knight, come to rescue her from her plight!' Yes, _James quite liked the sound of that as it rebounded through his head.

-

Lily Evans was not blind to the arrival of her now unwanted companion.

'_What's that bloody prat Potter think he's up to? Strolling along as though he's got all the time in the world, and humming that infuriatingly annoying tune, doesn't he know he's late?'_

A few more painful steps, as they (she) trudged along in silence, and Lily was about ready to box his ears in!

'_What is he retarded or something? Can't he see I'm on the verge of dying? Hello? A little help here?'_

-

"Say, Evans, that looks pretty heavy – _'No shit Sherlock!'_ – and I couldn't help noticing you could use some help," James' hand had finally found its way out of his pocket, and much to her infuriation to the back of his hair, where his sheepish scratching only served to further mess up his already windswept hair that she so loathed.

"Thanks Potter!"

Lily magically sprung up to her full height – which was still noticeably shorter than James' impressive stature – a bright grin illuminating her face, and managed to depose her burden onto the Quiditch honed teen with an ease which belied the bag's weight.

James neatly brought the mammoth load to bear, as he swung it round by one strap to rest it gently on the floor. With a swish of his wand, and a barely audible incantation of the word "Reducio," he was now holding onto a bag that would easily fit into his or her pocket.

'_That insufferable know-it-all!'_

With a grunt, Lily snatched the bag from James' grasp, and turned to continue her march down the hall (somewhat quicker) completely ignoring the poor sod she'd left behind. In truth, she was a little embarrassed she hadn't thought of that herself.

Tilting his head slightly to the side, James couldn't help but notice the sensuous sway of her hips, as her figure slowly retreated into the distance, a goofy grin on his face.

Snapping out of his daze, he hurried after her. She was obviously in a ripe mood to receive another date invitation.

* * *

"I tell you mate, she was all over me! Could barely contain herself with the gratitude she felt she owed to me. She should've known that for her I was only too happy to help," boasted a loud James Potter to his three closest confidents.

"So did she finally say yes then?" came the excited enquiry of one Peter Pettigrew, admiration shining clearly in his eyes.

"Well not quite…" came James' less enthused response, as he revealed to his audience the clearly defined red hand printed squarely across his left cheek.

A bark of laughter emitted from the lounging from that was Sirius Black, "Ha-ha, all over you all right!"

"Sod off you great prat!" was the indignant reply.

"Now Sirius, I'm sure she was just giving our friend James here something to remember her by," piped in the unwelcome words of the usually most understanding member of their quartet.

This only served to send Sirius into a deeper state of bellowing chortles, as James was left flabbergasted before his friends. Even Peter was snickering away.

'_Bloody traitors!'_

* * *

A/N: Well there we go: another chapter out. Thanks all for the reviews, and to prove that I do take your suggestions on board, I've updated my method of formatting. I hope it suits you all better.

And remember, Reviews are what motivate me to write faster!

Ps. I find Lily terribly difficult to write. Hopefully she proved to be somewhat believable…


	3. Chapter 3

Mystery Men

Fanfic by Whispering Winds

The Marauders are Hogwarts' resident celebrities. But contrary to most teenagers' idols, this dastardly bunch of marauding menaces is a complete mystery to their fans. That is until the determined Lily Evans decides it's time every girl's fantasy "Prongs" should be hers. Now if only James Potter would leave her the sod alone!

* * *

Chapter III

* * *

Thick purple bags lined Lily's almond shaped eyes. Her hair was a tangled mess of uncharacteristically insipid strands of flaxen-red that snaked out in all directions. Beads of sweat, the result of intense concentration, dotted her brow, as she looked up – panting – at her creation, a feral grin painted across her face.

Covering the wall either side of Lily's four-poster bed so completely that not a crack of the red and gold wall behind showed through, was what can only be described as a chaotic mosaic of mismatched sheets of parchment whose contents ranged from scribbled love hearts, to photos the Marauders were not quite featured in, to page long essays written in the tiniest of scripts in an attempt to cram in more information than should be possible for a single sheet of parchment.

She had stayed up all through Friday night, and into Saturday to complete it.

A loud yawn to her left broke her out of her revere, as she took in the appearance of the bleary eyed Alice Watts, who's characteristic wispy strands of silver-blonde hair were looking thoroughly wisped by something one might find in a typical Muggle kitchen.

Absentmindedly rubbing her newly awakened eyes, Alice found herself baffled at the sight before her.

"What is it?"

* * *

James Potter, and Sirius Black stumbled their way into the Gryffindor common rooms, at around the time most sane people would be waking up from a decent night's rest, positively sloshed after an illegal night in Hogsmeade in celebration of what the Marauders were already calling their crowning achievement. Following behind them was the limp form of Peter Pettigrew, strewn across the almost sober Remus Lupin's shoulder.

The Slytherins were in for the shock of their lives.

* * *

"What is it! What is it! This, is the key to finding Prongs, and fulfilling my dreams, is what this is!"

"Oh – Yawn – that's nice," was Alice's dazed reply as she limped towards the fifth year girls' bathroom, idly scratching at her thigh.

* * *

As Lily descended the stairs that lead into the Great Hall, she was greeted by the sight of total and utter pandemonium in place of what should've been a mild breakfast. Terribly anxious to find the source – _'It has to be the Marauders!' – _Lily hurried down the last few steps. Sliding into her usual seat, and helping herself to a slice of toast – Lily begun her inquiry as she applied a healthy dosage of butter to her bread.

As it turned out, it would take very little interrogation to get everyone's full story.

"It was the Marauders that done it of course," came the self assured dialect of Deatrin Thomas, a sixth year Gryffindor of African decent, with aspirations of becoming an Auror, "snuck down to the Slytherin commons last night, and pried Paracelsus' portrait right off the wall –"

By this time the grin mapped across Lily's face stretched from ear to ear, as she revelled in the account of the Marauders' latest caper.

"No one knows what they've done with him… they're saying that if he's been damaged in any way that the culprits will be expelled," interrupted Aideen Finnegan, a young Witch with a thick Irish accent, and one of Lily's best friends.

"'course they'll have to figure out who them Marauders are first," Deatrin reaffirmed his lead role as storyteller.

Suddenly the grin had left Lily's rapidly paling face. _'The Marauders can't be expelled! Prongs wouldn't have been stupid enough to do anything permanent – would he?'_

In an irrational moment spurred of fear, Lily jumped out of her chair, muttering a brief "Gotta run," her breakfast completely forgotten, before racing off in search of the missing portrait in the hopes of finding it before anything rash was done to the Marauders.

She hadn't made it three steps out of the Great Hall before the heavy figure of Professor Slughorn – the Slytherin Head of House – came crashing into her. The collision literally knocked the wind out of her as she was sent spiralling to the floor in a heap. A momentary look of surprise, the only visible evidence of an encounter on Slughorn's face as he continued on his course, billows of fat jolting up and down, red faced and breathing heavily.

"I've found him!"

* * *

"How long do you reckon before they find him?" came the casual enquiry of Sirius Black, as he surveyed the damage dropping Paracelsus' frame on his foot had caused. Satisfied there was nothing major, he looked up to regard his friends' faces.

"Well it all depends on that Walrus Slughorn doesn't it, and how quickly he can climb stairs with his… condition," James Potter's eyes widened in an unsettling gaze as he delivered his ominous conclusion.

A puzzled look flickered in Peter Pettigrew's eyes as he tried to decipher the identity of Professor Slughorn's affliction, "Condition?"

"Obesity is speculated to be a disease by the forerunners of Muggle health sciences," sounded the monotonous drawl of Remus Lupin in his best imitation of the magically recorded voice that enunciated the pronunciation key beside an entry in 'Hexford's English Dictionary for the Magically Inclined.'

"It isn't contagious is it?" a panic stricken look distorted Sirius' handsome features as he slowly edged away from Peter, in an unintentionally obvious manner.

"Don't be ridiculous Padfoot!"

"I'm not, I'm –"

"Sirius," the other three members of the Marauders chorused in dull tones. The joke wasn't funny the first time he'd said it, and now five years down the track, it had lost even more appeal.

"Well I'm bored, and we've given them," Sirius paused to glance down at his wristwatch, a bizarre contraption; alive with enough spinning diodes and circulating globes to send the owner of a perfectly organized mind cross-eyed, "enough time for Lovegood to have made three trips to Sweden and spotted a Crumple-Horned Snorkack performing a one legged rumba with a Blibbering Humdinger!"

Gingerly testing his foot as he rose, Sirius purposely strode down the spiral staircase that lead to the fifth year dormitories.

Turning to Lupin, Peter voiced the question his two remaining companions were both thinking, "He can tell all that from looking at his watch?"

"Apparently so," came Remus' answer in a much more natural tone. "Shall we follow him then?"

Nodding in agreement, the three boys rose. It was time to watch the show.

* * *

Slughorn's cry fell on the ears of a suddenly silent Great Hall. The silence was not long lived however, as in the next instant, the sounds of a thousand students vibrated through the room as they scraped their chairs against the floor, rising to their feet, before moving as one in a violent sea of bodies towards the hall's exit.

Seeing the human stampede before him, Horace Slughorn turned on his nearly buckling heel as he hurried as fast as he could in the opposite direction and towards his discovery.

Lily, still on the floor scrambled to her feet in a desperate effort to evade the torrent of bodies that threatened to trample her. Scurrying after Slughorn, she barely managed to evade the promise of certain pain the student body following in his wake provided.

Albus Dumbledore calmly rose from his seat as the dust settled before him. Pausing to critically eye the shredded hinges on the grand Oak Doors that lead away from the Hall and his breakfast, he whipped out his wand in a fluid motion uttering the simple charm "Repairo," before heading through them.

'_The young these days… always in such a hurry,' _he mused.

* * *

As Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore rounded the corner leading off from the subterranean stone stairwell, he let his ears do the guiding as they lead him quite comfortably to where a large circle of students fanned around outside Professor Slughorn's office. Passively carving a path through his gossiping students with his presence alone, a small smile crossed his lips as he beheld the site of a sleeping Paracelsus fixed intact directly across from his staff member's office.

"Albus, whoever has committed this crime must be apprehended! I demand immediate expulsions!"

"Now, now Horace, it was only a harmless spot of fun. Why, I'm sure Paracelsus even enjoyed the change of scenery-"

"Who wouldn't! Dealing with those ruddy Slytherins would be enough to drive Crouch to a solid vacation!" raucous laughter followed Sirius' proclamation.

"Thank you Mr. Black, now as I was saying before your highly amusing interruption, we'll have Paracelsus off that wall and hanging back in his cosy nook in no time."

"That's just it Albus, he's stuck fast! Not a thing any of us can do to pry him free," a look of utter despair filled Slughorn's overly prominent eyes.

"By Merlin, I've never seen such a rigid sticking charm. I would most surely like to have a long chat over a pot of tea and perhaps some scones with whomever's responsible," he said, shooting a meaningful glance in the Marauders' direction (who happened to be looking quite innocent.) "Well there's nothing else for it. He'll have to stay there, now if you'll please: I'm sure Paracelsus would enjoy some peace and quiet to get acquainted to his new home."

* * *

"That was brilliant, I had no idea they wouldn't be able to unstick him from the wall! Where'd you say you found that charm Padfoot?"

"It's the same spell my family's been using for centuries to stick their portraits on the wall. I stumbled across it whilst hunting for books on the Animagus transformation in Mum's library back in third year - thought it might come in handy."

Heading up the stairs to their dorm, the other Marauders turned to call out to their lagging friend, "James, are you coming!"

He had just spotted Lily entering the common room; "Just a minute!" was his distracted reply.

Sliding up beside her, James put on his most charming smile, "I didn't see you there Evans-"

He was cut off by a gruff sounding Lily, "I don't have time for you now Potter!" as she hurried off up the staircase that lead to the fifth year girls' dorms.

"What's got up her goat?"

"She's busy redecorating our dormitory-" came his answer in the form of a cute girl with wispy silver-blonde hair.

"-with anything she can find on the Marauders, she's being a nightmare!" her companion finished her sentence, a terribly unsettling experience for the young mischief maker.

"I wish Prongs would just reveal himself to her in some overly romantic and nonsensical fashion, have a shag, and get it over with, giving us all a bit of peace and quiet," huffed the short blonde, "This quest of hers to find out who he is, is taking up precious space I could be filling with posters of Ford Hooch, the Cannon's new star chaser!" a glazed look flittered across her face.

James recognised them as Lily's two best friends, Alice and Aideen was it? It really was very hard to keep track when he couldn't tear his eyes away from Lily long enough to really notice the company she kept. Unless, of course, said company was a bloke…

'_How very interesting…' _a plan to snag Lily Evans was already forming in James' brain as he mulled over this new piece of information.

* * *

A/N:

Remember to R+R, and I'm sorry for the delay, but this chapter I felt deserved more than a couple of hours from a half-asleep teenager at 4 am. I've read over it so many times now though, that I've grown to hate it. Hopefully you won't.

And can anyone provide me with info on how to write an Irish accent? It would be most appreciated.

**Next Chapter: **The Marauders have a fall out, and James' plan jerkily springs into action. Could there be a connection?


End file.
